so here i am doing what i set out to do, and what is that exactly? i think a lot of you may be confused as to what i really am doing, well join the club.
so at the moment i am living in a hut and swiming in the warm waters in the gulf of thailand, and mostly when it's not raining staring at the water. yup just sitting there staring at the water. i was hoping that the ocean would give me answers, but i am the only one that can give me answers. the ocean is very good at taking my thoughts and washing them so far out to sea i can't hear them anymore, that is nice. but one thing i realized is it can't make me still. i mean physically i can lay in a hammock all day staring at that lovely point where the water and the sky meet and my little hamster is still in its wheel running around like it's on crack. so how to still that?
it is amazing the kind of thoughts that surface when you sit around staring at the water. i think i could spend the rest of my life doing this and never run out of thoughts and memories and questions. the mind is limitless, and i have always had a really bad memory, so i'm amazed at the things i am remembering. it would be amazing to see how long my sister jen could sit and think because she has the best memory i know of. the pesto kids? huh?
so of course because i am single now i've been putting a lot of thought into all my past relationships, especially the recently past, and thinking of future relationships. i've figured out that i have been basically in a relationship fot the past 13yrs, not the same one granted but moving quickly from one to the other. and the wonderful saying "the quickest way to get over someone is to get ontop of someone else" continually surfaces in my mind. i mean it is definitly true, be it a rebound or an honest to god relationship that lasts for some time. i mean i've definitly done it, several times in the past. so it is refreshing to now be starting my 5th month as a single person. of course by traveling i take myself out of temptations way, but whatever...
all i'm saying is that this is a new feeling, like taking the training wheels off of a bike. don't get me wrong, i love being in love, i love being in the right relationship, i don't particularly like being single, but i'm okay with it. it has it's perks. it is also giving me a clear veiw in looking at myself in a relationship, because when you're in one you can't really see what's going on all that clearly, at least i can't. also the baggage. why would i want to carry a dead boyfriend with me into something new and alive? i have a hard time letting things go, truely letting them go. it is an adams girl trait i think, almost like a challange, and when we have that object in our teeth and the desire to hang on, we are hard press to let it go, even when letting go is best.
so maybe that is why i'm here. to let go. or to grab hold of all the amazing things that exist. i love traveling because it alters me as a person, it refreshes and amazes me and makes me happy to return home where my real friends and the things of substance are still waiting for me.
it hurts to bet on a horse that didn't even race. you feel foolish, you feel like your judgment will never be accurate again. i mean i know that's not true, life is life and as you continue on in one direction it is the right direction. i feel like i am going the right direction. i feel like a sleepwalker that has suddenly woken up in the middle of a grocery store during the 6pm rush. i am a little startled but amazed at the sudden varity to life, the color and the smells. it is something i would have had a hard time doing at home.
it was funny when i meet up with kristina she commented on the fact that i looked the same as last time i saw here ie; my hair was the same, style of clothes. it made me laugh and i told her everything else in my life has changed this time, so my apperance is the only thing that remained the same. i think it comes with being happy with who i am. i mean as a person both physically and mentally. there is of course always room for improvment and maybe some new goals and a sense of direction, but i still have some time to go before i'm home.
so okay that was my TMI interlude blog. i'm still a dumbass with posting photos but i'll figure something out.
those of you on myspace can see some flicks there. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo