Monday, October 16, 2006

taking a bus to see God or tracking time by my roots

i leave at 6.30 am for angkor wat tommorow and am interestedto meet up with God.

i felt like my last post was pretty grim so i didn't want everyone to think i was having a horrid time. it is the breath of travel, the in and the out. you have to have the good with the bad, and sometimes the good is the bad and vice versa.

i think it is fitting that God or Buddha or Whomever is on my list for the week. i have been travelig for three weeks now and the new car smell is faded away to the green tea sadly spilt into the floor matts. the toughts ad emotions that spured me to leave my lovely home are at my throat and have me in their grips.

i have been having a resurgence of lovely memories from my relationship with jason and they are breaking my heart. they are the most wonderful things, the essence of what life is made of, but i don't want them. i don't know what to do with them, i reall don't think i can get rid of them, they are part of me, as sure as a layer of skin, but i don't want tem anymore.

i want to move on with my life. so why can't it be as easy as washing my hands, or throwing away a tissue? why is it a coating, a tattoo that you pay for lazer removal? but it is something you cannot see, and cannot touch that bites you in the ass when you least expect it. hence my TMI entry a little it ago.
i am good at filling my life with distractions...i am the distraction queen, yet i'm not so great at what? forgetting?

i wanted y relationship to end, i of course ended it, but it doesn't mean i wanted to lose everything tht went with it...but that's what it has to mean.
i think there should be a yearly award for shaking up a life and i nominate myself.
i wouldn't have it anyother way...but that doesn't mean i'm not still dealing with it.

i feel cheated. i know i'm not the only one. i feel sad. and i feel a little stunned that it wasn't something we could work through...but how do you work through the loss of the essential love?
i also feel the loss of my friend the most, i have never been one to be friends with my old lovers, i just don't know how to do that. i am to posessive, too much of a bitch.

but i am going to go and visit with God and one of the eight wonders of the world.

this place is a photographers wet dream, i have already used a great portion of my film, and am hoping i can find some 120 around here...

the roots of my hair are growing out, i think i will use that to measure my time here. only 3 weeks, but that time has flown. it has been a gecko filled dream with spike licking my face in the end...


Anonymous said...

"it has been a gecko filled dream with spike licking my face in the end..."

That's my favorite part.

When you find god, let me know what she says... I'm sure we could all use the knowledge.


kristineadams said...

i miss spike!