Tuesday, November 28, 2006

anxiety is my bed fellow

so here i am sharing the good as well as the bad with you.
homesickness and anxiety.
i left on my trip to figure out some things, you know things. thoughts bumping around in my head, a life to regain and straighten out.
but now that i'm here and not there it seems like the things i really love and hold dear are threatening to fall apart.
why do you have to lose the good with the bad?
why can't you lose just the bad?
nothing ever turns out the way it is planned or expected to so what's the point in forthought? or is the lack of thought and planning the thing that puts me in these spots?

this entire week i've been to places i heard are amazing and found them lacking, and then to places that are dull and found them full of quiet inspiration. no one knows the truth on the road, it is all lies and things you have to see for yourself.

i met a dutch girl that was 6'1 and blonde and said "fo-Oranger" all the time, i thought she was talking about the fruit.
i met a french girl that has heard of colleena and her school of dance where i will be going in pushkar.

i rode a bus up a mountain that was so steep there was a butterfly meandering along that passed us.

i sat and talked with women wearing coils around their necks that had to flee their country. they speak at least 5 languages each, weave day in and day out, and let strangers into their homes to photograph them.

i saw elephants working in fields just like an ox would.

i am in the mountains and there is a fine mist that rolls in and reminds me of my home. the weather is cool, the humidity is gone, and there are pine trees in the jungles here.

i haven't seen/heard of another american backpacker in weeks. we are like a rare animal that people hear about but don't really believe that they exist. i get into so many conversations and some where along the line the phrase "i don't really like americans" pops out, but i don't really know if they mean me right now or if i am an exception to the rule.

the world continues to fascinate and puzzle me. i forget sometimes why i am here. why i left. what am i doing?

but it is a ride with a reason and i'm not at the end of it yet, i suppose i simply must trust the process of it.

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