grandfather

my mother sends me a text today telling me that my grandfather isn't doing well and can i please make the journey north to see him.

i really don't know what to do with this request.

my memories of as a child are of my mother not taking my grandmothers calls, deflecting the message to us children that she wasn't home. of my grandparents, old and sick in their cluttered house, telling the same story over and over again.

the disrespect and rolled eyes were learned from my mom as she battled through her issues in regard to her parents. years ago my mothers parents moved from the area I live in to 12 hours north, shortly after my grandmother died. i made the journey north, gave my respects, saw my family, felt what was once close knit was really dis-functional and estranged.
i can't remember if that was the last time i saw my grandfather or not, i think it was.

and now years later the always sick is of course sick, and not in the hospital but hospice is needed.
hospice.
an end to this...this what?
what do i do with this?


a smoking pipe will always remind me of my grandfather.

i have very few memories.

i resist the journey. i can't/don't want to remove time from my life, my schedule. i don't even know if i can afford it. can i afford not to go?

where do these emotions get filed away?
will they sit in the "sort later" pile, until their words have so lightened with age that there is nothing left to read.

i don't know.
i just really don't know.