Tuesday, December 12, 2006


i am once again on my own, hanging out in jaipur. my frinds emily and kristina just left for the train station. we spent 2 days running around jaipur in touts so thick we never saw any famous sights. tommorw morning i jump into a bus, god help me, and i head to Pushkar.
i will be calling pushkar home for some time. it will be nice to be there, i love running around but i'm hungry to dance. i danced with some gypsys last night but to actually get to know them, get to live somehwere for more than a night or a month...it will be fun.
india is a trip. i fell like i've been placed in a bladeless blender. the center of a storm with the world chaotic around me. this place is great, i want to stay.
i will be walking around and all the sudden i am ambushed by thoughts so strong i stop in my tracks.
thoughts like, wow i'm in fucking india, this has been a dream of mine.
or wow i'm going to go study with colleena, another dream of mine.
life gives so much,,,it gives me so much.
but not all thoughts are sunshine. reminents of my old life float into my emotions, thoughts and things that are no longer me or part of me or connected to me. parts of me that are now so strange i think they are speaking to me in hindi about myself.
they are familiar, but strange, and i don't understand why they are coming to me for direction.
i\ve realized that i live life the way i travel, i wander and i wonder as i move along. i used to think this was bad. i was lead to feel that because i didn't have a dead set goal that i was defecent in somr way, that i need that to survive, to acheive.
i've achieved so much by being who i am and how i am. i thought that i would change in my travels, and i still have time, but i'm not changing, and i like who i am...
i still have time and despite my love for india it s not an easy country.
i already bought a sari so wath out when i get home, half baked white girl walking around in the states like an indian woman.
and one thing about traveling alone as a woman, i get to connect with the other women here. there is nothing like it. to find a beautiful woman that is fascinating to stare at, that is equally fascinated by me, and to catch her eye and smile only to have her smile back...such an amazing connection.
bad news though, i'm out of color film!!!!!

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