Sunday, September 06, 2009

disappointment

okay it is late.
the whiskey has gotten to me and it seems like the word of the moment is "disappointment".

let's all sit with that one for a moment.

dis-a-fucking-pointment.

what is that you say?
if you don't know then you're not human are you.
i know that i am not special in feeling the slings and arrows of disappointment. As a species we all feel it acutely at some point and time in our lives, and my acutely is today(give or take a few years).

i sometimes feel like i am sitting in a laundry mat, with the old fashion washers, you know the ones with the big clear fish bowl bubble doors made of glass where you can watch the suds and underwear surface for a moment and then pathetically be dragged down again simply to be replaced by another pair.

well imagine that but instead of a load of unmentionables i brought all those disappointing boys that i've disposed off.
i throw them in, add the soap, the quarters, i push start and i wait to see which one surfaces. maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time they will be enough, i will be enough.
i wait for the old, i try to wash, to mend, to...be human and to care about them, to leave a place in my heart, who knows what the future holds. There is one thing i can tell you that when that old lover/hanger on comes back to the surface they are just as bad or worse than before.
i was chided by an old lover that i was fucked up because i never remain friends with my ex's. he was wrong, he always thought he was oh so right, but in this he was wrong, i am friends with 90% of them, including him, the problem is that with being friends they all tend to resurface and try to rekindle. the simple fact that i haven't torn out their existence and shown it to them keeps them begging under the table for scraps. not all of them mind you, but more than i'd like.
where does this fucked up sacredness of being friends with your ex's come about? it really is a mess.

the majority of my ex's were nice enough guys at bad times, that equals bad times, that equals they treat me like shit and then later want to make it up, and are offended when i say no.

i'm sick of that shit.
i am sick of knowing my own worth but living in a world that doesn't seem to agree with it.

i'm tired of boys that pretend to be my friends so that they can get into my pants and break my heart.

i am so disappointed in the quality of humans i meat on an everyday basis, and all i can wonder is what is so wrong with me that i feel this way?

true story.

last night i had dinner with an old lover, why? because we are "friends" and i am a retard.

we made a mess of sleeping with each other for some time till i finally put my foot down and said fuck the dumb shit, he really didn't have much to say on the subject and then that was it, we were friends.
then 8months later he professes his love to me. no build up, no trying to woo me, it was more like an amber alert. sudden, obscene, in your face sort of declaration of love.
i was embarrassed, uncomfortable, but well mannered so i let him down as nice as can be. isn't that the right thing to do?
so we remain friends, he dogs my steps, he makes me feel bad, almost 1 year later he is still making me feel bad, even thought he is trying to move on with his life by sleeping with other girls and tormenting me with his obscure emotions, lucky fucking me, i get all the work and none of the fun!

i digress.

so last night we are in his car, always where i become the emotional hostage, and yet again he has a confession to make, something he must get off his chest that has to do with me, with him, with HIS emotions.
and what might it be?
his prowess in bed, or his lack of it while we were together.
i was there, the sex was bad, it was all a disapointment, do we both need a reminder?

really i've never felt cheaper.
what the fuck has my life been reduced to?
i have become a ding on his sexual credit report and now he is worried about it.

and all i can really ask myself is how the fuck did i get here and when do i get to go home?

i mean really?
really?

what do these actions say?

1. kristine i really care about you and your emotions
2. i am very selfish and want reassurance that i am a good fuck, i want validation
3.none of the above

you can choose but i am pretty sure the torment i have been witness to has really nothing to do with me. it is all him.
my untenability is the key. maybe i should sleep with him and he would leave me alone.
which i will never do, but i am so tired.

i am trying not to become bitter, to become jaded, but every nice man that comes my way i look for his faults.
where are they?
what's it going to be this time?

i feel so old behind the eyes.
i feel so tired.
i want nothing to do with it.
the game that no one wins.

1 comment:

Rebecca Bellmer said...

you are swimming in the sea of disappoinment.
"Dive deep and swim far so you come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced expeience that will explain and overlook the old."

When you get to tired, tread water and I can throw you a line.